Failing or par for the course?

Who wants to write about their failure as a parent?  Not me really.  I've tried three times to start this post and then thought I shouldn't write it here, and then decided it should just be an email to my mom, and then maybe a post on my other blog, and now I'm back here.  And I'm still not convinced I should write it, but, here goes nothing....

Today was a shitty parenting day.  My daughter made me crazy, and I found myself wanting to just get away from her before I did something I knew I would regret- like spank her, or really yell at her.  Who wants to admit that?  Not me.

But I guess, it feels necessary to get out, because it is such an ugly feeling.  And maybe it feels necessary to get out because I need to know I am not alone in sometimes feeling like I am obviously totally failing my child.

Because today was the kind of day that made me question all of the parenting choices I hold dear.  The parenting choices that I believe in 100% because I believe in what they give my child now and for the future.

But there I was, and I realize now, what made me feel crazy, was the feeling of total loss of control.  Beni is no longer an infant that passes out at the mere scent of breast milk.  She is no longer the baby that drifts off to sleep no matter how much she doesn't want to just because she's in a carrier.  She is a toddler, and she may be transitioning to one nap, and she is definitely exploring the whole concept of being an independent entity from her mother- something admittedly, that feels new (and totally scary?) to both of us.

My sweet baby, who used to be happy as long as she was near me, as long as she was in my arms, no question if she was nursing, now sometimes chooses to scream and bite and kick and hit and claw (you should have seen the scratch I had under my eye last week!) for what seems like no reason!  Today it was nap time, and I nursed her, I laid with her, I cuddled her, and still, she chose to react by screaming at me, kicking me and generally being completely nasty.  She was so clearly tired, but just wouldn't sleep, and I was out of control.  There was nothing I could do, except walk away, and let her father deal with her.

And then I cried, about how I'm obviously no good at this, how it seems to all be for naught and my ungrateful child hates me, even though she's not even two yet, and I have never done anything but love her and do everything in her best interest.

And then of course, I step back and realize how silly that sounds, but how real it feels.    

I don't know if every parent feels these things.  It seems like I have some friends and acquaintances who never seem to have issues like this- maybe they just keep them behind closed doors.  But I think it adds to the feeling badly about myself, when it feels like other parents don't go through this.  Especially, because many of the parenting choices I make may not be exactly mainstream.  So undoubtedly, I find myself wondering if she is the way she is because of me- or is she just going through something, developing her own personality, would she even still be the way she is if she was bottle fed, slept in a crib and spent her days at day-care?

The thing is of course, that I'll never know the answers to those questions.  You don't get do-overs in parenting.  So I just have to keep parenting in a way that feels right to me, which for me, doesn't include bottles or cribs or day care.  And I suppose if every once in a while I get a disapproving look or a "you asked for this" kind of comment from someone who does things differently, I just have to let it roll off my back, because I can't change who I am as a parent, just to fit the modern mold if it doesn't feel right.  And of course, I have to hope that it'll all pay off in the long run.  That Beni will grow out of the phase she's in right now- that she will learn to assert her separateness by sleeping through the night, rather than kicking me when she should be napping!

Ah.... I already feel better.  I'm pretty sure this whole thing today has been par for the course... that these things will happen again in the future, and that the issues will be bigger, more serious, etc, etc... like just wait til she's a teenager, right???

I'm not really sure how to wrap this one up... I've bared my parenting soul, which can be a scary thing to do, but I feel better for having done it, because it has brought me back to my center, back to a small confidence that even if my path isn't always the easiest, it's the one that is right for me and my child.

So that's the end of my bad day...maybe a small failure, maybe par for the course...certainly full of hope that the next day this bad, doesn't come for a while!

Our day so far....

Me: Morning Beni, would you like some toast for breakfast? 

Beni: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Me: Ok, would you like some water?

Beni:  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

M: Ok, I'm going to eat my breakfast.

B: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  (followed by Beni using the sign for nursing)

M: Ok, let's nurse.

Beni starts nursing and kicking me in the face.

M: That hurts mamma!  We can't nurse if you're going to kick me.

Beni continues kicking...

M: Ok, we're done nursing!

B: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

M: Are you going to eat your toast now? 

B: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  (Starts eating...)

B: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!   Mammmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!


 And Beni does the sign for nursing again...


I'm pretty sure this doesn't have anything to do with living in Lao!  Turns out, kids are kids where ever you are!