I stopped wearing make-up

My younger brother got married on July 3 this past summer, and that was the last time I wore make-up.  For a girl who used to sneak her mom's make-up from a very young age, and started wearing it full time in middle school, this has been a very long time make-up free.  Three months- very long time for the girl who basically used to not go out of the house without AT LEAST mascara.

I'm heading you off right away for thinking this is about having a baby.  No. It's not.  I don't subscribe to the notion that having a baby stands in the way of hygiene or self-care.  Ok, yes, in those first few weeks you're covered in spit-up and poop, and drooling on yourself because you're pretty tired.  But after that- I just don't buy it.  We all make time for things in our day.  I make time for showering and putting on clean clothes.  And I used to for the first 14 mos of Beni's life, also make time to put on make-up, even if it was just my mascara.  It was part of my routine, like brushing my teeth, and I just did it.  While I'm sure it won't be as easy once baby #2 comes along (hypothetical baby, no announcements here!), I am confident that I will continue to make time for it, because as I've mentioned before, I am a person who likes to be clean.  And my babies won't die from sitting in the bouncy seat for 10 minutes while I shower. :) 

So why did I stop wearing make-up?  It was a step along my journey of self-love.  And let me be very clear- this is about me- I'm not advocating that anyone else give up their make-up.  

For years I have dealt with poor body image, (over-)weight issues, disordered eating and a whole slew of other personal, internal struggles.  Whether it stemmed from my parents divorce when I was 6, or a few choice comments some men in my life have made along the way, whether I am a cliche of a woman affected to the max by the media chock full of size 0 women and a very narrow definition of beauty- regardless of how I got here, this is where I was.  A woman, 31 years old, unable to see myself beyond a comparison to someone else, a dress size, a bra size.  Unable to love myself in almost any way. 

Make-up factors into this because for me it was one of the few things that made me acceptable.  At least if I wore make-up, I was a little spruced up, making a step in the right direction of "beautiful".  I used to say that if I wasn't wearing mascara, you couldn't even see my eyes.  I thought I looked, and often felt, invisible. 

Something struck me back in July- maybe even late June- and I decided, enough.  My "morning routine" was being cut down to shower, comb hair, put on deodorant, go.  

My hope was that if I stopped wearing make-up long enough, I might start to see myself differently.  I might start to see some of what other people say they see when they look at me- a beautiful woman, a woman with worth beyond her looks.  

It wasn't easy at first. In fact, at times it was hard.  My brother's wedding a perfect example... it just didn't seem right to me to go to such an important, dressed-up event with a bare face.  But that is because in my head, getting dressed up goes along with a face full of make-up.  It's just all part of putting myself together.  So I wore make-up for the wedding.  But I haven't worn any on any day since. 

Actually, even though my make-up really only took a couple minutes at most, it's been really nice to be able to be "out the door" almost as fast as my husband.  It's a weight off my shoulders not having to worry about it. 

Another hard part?  We came to Laos only shortly after I made this choice to stop wearing make-up.  Of course my BIL and SIL knew me, and knew what I looked like, but, all these people at school... this whole new community... I would be meeting them with a bare face, not hiding anything (at least not with make-up)- my first impression would be JUST ME.  This was, I'm not going to lie, quite scary for me!  But of course, I did it, and in most of the moments I was actually meeting people, I didn't even think about the fact that I wasn't wearing make-up. 

And the best news?  I have eyes.  I mean, I see them.  It worked.  When I look at myself in the mirror now, I see something totally different than I did 4 or 5 months ago.  Features that I never was able to see, now stand out for me.  I have eyes, eye brows, lashes, freckles. Even my cheekbones, blushless, make an appearance now and then.  

Stopping wearing make-up improved my self-image.  I learned to appreciate who I am, just me, by myself.  Part of it came down to accepting what's so... it was the step before being able to love it.  Stopping wearing make-up made it possible for me to see what was really there.  And for me, because I was at the point where I was, seeing it every day, over months was necessary.  

Now, I'm not saying that I have reached a point of total self-love.  But, for someone who has struggled like I have, being able to look in the mirror, and not think nasty thoughts is a huge step forward.  Being able to look in the mirror and think, "I'm doing OK... I AM OK" is a leap beyond what I might have once thought possible.  

As a mother, of course, I wonder how this all might effect my daughter, now or later.  It's been almost a year since I colored my hair as well- that however, was mostly a laziness decision- I'm just sick of the maintenance!  I still wear nail polish almost always- but nail polish to me, has always been about fun, not a necessary measure toward beauty (the way I qualified make-up).  The other day, my daughter picked up my toe separators (used when painting toenails) and tried to put it on her foot.  She knew what it was for.   No doubt she is watching, and she is picking up messages about all kinds of things every day.  I find myself torn between indulging her obvious desire to somehow take part in the activity when I paint my nails... is it too soon to paint her toes?  Would she understand that it was just fun, unnecessary and doesn't make her "better"?  

I have always loved being a girly girl, and I don't necessarily want to give that up- make-up is and can be fun, getting dressed up in pretty dresses and high heels- or any clothes that make you feel gorgeous- is a blast.  But I do, very much, want Beni to know that she is worthy, and gorgeous and absolutely the most perfect her that anyone ever will be, just as she is, forever and always.  Hopefully, getting myself back on a path of caring for and about myself will help to pass this message on to Beni. 

Will I not wear make-up forever?  Nah.  I think I am one of those people that reserves it for a special occasion, or for when I feel like it.  But am I glad I took the plunge, and gave it up even for at least these three months?  Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! 

What have you done to take care of yourself lately, mamma???