We have two days left in Luanda, and very early on the morning of the third day, we are off. I went to the grocery store today to pick up some fresh bread (we've also been eating lots of sandwiches this week), and I found myself thinking, "this is the last time I'm ever going to shop here." It's not like I was super attached to the grocery store, but, it's just weird thinking that a place that you know so well, and that is a part of your life every week, sometimes several times a week, will become a permanent part of your past all in one day.
As I walk around school and say goodbye to people I keep thinking the same thing... "this is the last time I'll walk along here... the last time I'll greet the secretaries... the last time I'll see these kids (well, maybe not!)...the last time I'll see most of these teachers and friends...."
I've done this before, obviously, the leaving thing. I left the States- although I always knew I would return there. I left China- I went back once, and it is possible I'll never return again. I left Latvia- we are going back, but probably never to live there. Now we're leaving here, and I can say with 99.9% certainty, that we will never return.
When I left the States back in 2003, I was looking forward to new adventures, but I was also running away. I was running away from toxic relationships, broken hearts, stagnant communities, a whole lot of my own drama. I got away, and frankly, I do think it did me a lot of good, but of course, it didn't solve my problems. When I left China, I was sure that things would be better in Latvia. I would be able to speak the language, I wouldn't feel like the freaky white girl, cause pretty much everyone is white, I would know some people, I'd no longer be a first year teacher.... things would be better.
Then I got to Latvia, and well, things were not really better. My expectations that things would be so much better made everything seem twice as bad as it was. Things weren't horrible, but, it was still a very tough adjustment period, and I hadn't expected that. I had a hard time making friends, the expat community in Latvia was very different than it had been in China, and my school didn't come with automatic friends like it had in China (and the to-be husband only showed up a year later). I realized that I am distinctly Latvian-American; not Latvian, not American...Latvian-American. I realized that for as much as I had never fit in in America, I didn't fit in in Latvia either. So yeah, it was a tough adjustment period.
When we left Latvia to come to Angola my outlook was not quite so one-sided, but also not really balanced. I was sad to leave Latvia...mostly because I was sad to leave some of my best friends and new family. But, I kept a really positive outlook because we were headed toward WAY, WAY, WAY better money (yay for getting out of debt!), and, I was looking forward to mine and my husband's relationship growing in a way that would only be possible on new level ground- where us was just us. I was excited to define us away from his friends, my friends, his family, my family, etc. But I knew we were leaving things behind, and that life in Angola would be an adventure, a challenge.
And I was right. I still miss everyone in Latvia, and surprisingly, some things about Latvia. And life here has been an adventure and a challenge. But now, as we're leaving again, I think I have the most level-headed attitude about it that I have ever had.
I am downright sad to leave my friends here. I'd say it took me quite a while to establish friendships here (hmm...that might just be a pattern for me), but now that I have, I really enjoy the friends I have made here, and I will really and truly miss them. I also know that even if we had to live with lots of cockroaches, ants and mosquitoes, the apartment we lived in for the last two years is a very nice apartment. I like that it is new, has clean lines, and looks clean when it is clean (not old and still dirty). Even if it's not always the most convenient thing, it is pretty nice to have drivers to drive you around. The salary we earned here was wonderful, and will be sorely, sorely missed. It was also nice to not have to pay any bills while living here. Financially, this place was very, very good to us. So yeah, I know that there are things I will miss. I am sad to leave.
But I am also looking forward...beyond the next few months which will be a wonderful but awkward interlude to real life (more on that later, I suppose, maybe tomorrow), I am looking forward to Laos. I am really excited about returning to Asia. I said to someone the other day, I think I suit Asian adventure more than African adventure- Asian developing country more so than African developing country. I am very much looking forward to living near some family again, and Beni
All that said, I know very well, that adjusting to life in Laos will take time and effort. It's not going to be perfect, and it's not always going to be easy. I will have to break out of my shell sometimes to find people to connect with during the days when everyone else is at work, to find some hobbies for myself outside of my family, to find the courage to drive a car there! Even though the produce is going to be amazing, there will be things we won't be able to get that I will have to learn to cook without (and add to my list of things to have people send me or bring me!). There will be an adjustment period. But like I said, I think it's good that I am going into it both excited, and expecting it to suck. I think it's a level of reality that I haven't ever faced during one of these transitions before.
In the end though, my life has changed a lot since the last time I did one of these transitions. I am in a happy, stable marriage and we have a wonderful, amazing child. When it comes down to it, I'm also aware that the three of us being together and loving each other is all that really matters- and we can do that anywhere in the world. Maybe that is why I have a better attitude on all this this time...because my priorities have shifted.
Have you ever faced a big move to a totally new place? How did you deal with it?
2 comments:
I have moved once out west... sort of the same story as your move out of the states... running away. But I admire your healthy outlook on things, and you are right you can love your family anywhere in the world and THAT is what matters most!
I can relate to not fitting in perfectly everywhere. Sometimes, it feels the only place I do fit in is with my husband. I have always marched to a different beat and have come to finally like myself for it, instead of hating that I don't fit in. Other people don't get that, but that's ok. I know I think differently than many, and that's ok too :-D
Anyway, I can't say that I've ever gone off to live in a new place, unless you count going from down-home country life to sweet city life. I ran from the rural area I grew up in fast. I couldn't wait to get out of a life where everyone judged me and watched all my movements. I can say that I've been in places that seemed like whole other worlds to me. In India, I was the only pasty-skinned white girl, and I've seen some things on the street that were so disturbing I can't repeat them. I guess no matter where you go, there are up sides and down sides. Maybe the key to embracing it all is to look at the down sides in a new light. They are the way they are. If you can change them to make them better, then do it. If you can't, it's out of your control, thank the powers that be that you have experience with conditions that are better.
Wow, that was way too long LOL
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